Star Wars 7: So You Think You’re a Jedi

It has been thirty-five years since the Battle of Endor,

And the destruction of the second Death Star.

In an unusual period of peace under the New Republic,

The galaxy turns to hi-tech sports and entertainment.

Failing to find suitable students for a new order of Jedi knights,

Luke Skywalker agrees to host “So You Think You’re a Jedi”.

The show is holobroadcast from the swamps of Dagobah,

Where contestants attempt to survive and lift rocks with the force.

Thousands of out-of-work stormtroopers form new sports,

Hoth-Tauntaun Ice-Polo, AT-AT Racing and Thermal Detonator Toss.

The gala wedding of Han Solo and Princess Leia Organa,

Is all the rage on the holoscreens of Coruscant.

Unfortunately crime is rampant on the city planet,

Without a war to vent citizen aggression, spice gangsters rule.

Lando Calrissian is voted Commissioner of the J.E.D.I-

The Justice, Equality and Decency Initiative.

But Landos’ J.E.D.I are not taken seriously,

And gangster lord Skinnee the Hutt rules the economy.

Meanwhile a mysterious new mystical enemy appears,

The young hooded Ansol gathers followers in his cult.

Proclaiming powers that balance the dark and light side,

Ansol warns the galaxy that technology has brought all their horrors.

It was the technology of droids and cloning that caused the clone war,

And the Death Stars caused the atrocities of the Empire.

Crashing the royal wedding of Han and Leia,

Ansol captures the Princess and all the refugees of Alderaan.

Star Wars 8: Rise of the Wookies

Princess Leia is held captive in the forests of Kashyyk,

The young Ansol has converted all the wookies to Natural Balance.

His cult of anti-technology even convinces refugees of Alderaan,

Many of the converts try to convince the Princess.

Meanwhile Han Solo travels to Dagobah to contact Luke,

“So You Think You’re a Jedi” reaches its dramatic conclusion.

Teeni, a Jawa from Tatooine, surprises the galaxy as the winner,

And joins Han and Lukes’ plan to rescue the Princess.

Meanwhile on Coruscant, Skinnee the Hutt defeats Lando,

The Justice, Equality and Decency Iniative is disbanded.

Publicly shamed Lando exiles himself to Bespin,

And the Hutt gangsters turn the Stormtrooper sports lethal.

Skinnee the Hutt forces C-3PO down the Sarlacc pit,

And the recovered remains of Boba Fett are cloned!

Han, Luke and Teeni the Jawa Jedi arrive on Kashyyk,

Using the force, Ansols’ forces are mostly defeated.

But a traitor gets close enough to knock out Luke,

Chewbacca turns out to be a convert of Natural Balance!

In a one on one face-off between Han and Ansol,

The cult leader explains that he has travelled from the future.

In his time, the galaxy is plagued ForceGoo,

It is a Force powered self-replicating nanotech disaster.

He has come back to prevent the birth of the inventor of ForceGoo,

It will be Han and Leia’s third son, Anakin Solo.

Han is doubtful that this young prophet can be so sure,

Then Ansol reveals that he in fact is Anakin Solo himself.

“Han, I am your son!” Ansol exclaims as he kills Leia,

When she dies, he disappears into his clothes.

Star Wars 9: Ghost Planet Retribution

With the galaxy in mourning of the death of Princess Leia,

Han Solo accepts the prophecy of his son Anakin Solo.

Proclaiming himself as the Guru,

Ansol begins a psychic dismantling of all technology.

Spaceships are given sixty parsecs to land on a planet,

The city planet of Coruscant is considered lost to the Hutts.

With the meditative force of the Wookies and converts,

A blue cloud of the force surges through the galaxy.

The cloud forms into the ghost of the planet Alderaan,

The ghost of Alderaan travels through systems on its path of balance.

Every machine it touches is dismantled into parts,

Lando and the cloud city fall into the deadly gas of Bespin.

Back on Dagobah, the blue ghost Alderaan arrives,

And Luke screams as R2D2 is slowly dismantled before his eyes!

Now enraged at the death of his sister and droids,

Luke astral projects to Kashyyk and engages spirit Ansol.

During the battle, Lukes lightsaber is dismantled,

But Teeni, the Jawa Jedi, joins the fight.

Using her last life force she force chokes Ansols’ spirit,

And Luke savagely force-lightning slaughters the Wookies.

The blue force ghost Alderann dissipates before reaching Coruscant,

It is now the only remaining planet with technology.

Luke astral projects to the city planet to face the Hutts,

And he comes face to face with their champion, Boba Fett 2!

Luke believes he is easily defeating Fett,

But he is becoming tainted by the dark side.

Meanwhile, the spirit of Chewbacca has astral traveled to Endor,

The last Wookie convinces all the Ewoks to meditate and create blue force.

The blue force is concentrated into a concussion missile,

And loaded onto the Millennium Falcon, piloted by-

Admiral Ackbar! Who was a convert hidden on Endor.

And just as the dark Luke is killing Boba Fetts clone,

Ackbar comes out off hyperspace and launches the missile!

“Its a trap!” he screams and the explosion causes a chain reaction,

And Coruscant is reduced to slag that buries the Hutts and Luke.

Back in the forest of Endor, the Ewoks celebrate,

Ackbar is crowned king with the spirits of Han Solo and Chewbacca waving.